A letter to fans:
This is going to be brutally honest but I just want you all to know that it's because of you that I am still here and alive right now....
As some of you know, this past year has been incredibly difficult for me.
I've been pouring my blood sweat and tears into this project for the last
3 years only to come to the conclusion that I've gone nowhere with my music "career".
I literally can't support myself. I never wished for millions of dollars,
fancy cars, or mansions- I had simply hoped that I'd be able to make enough
money from my music that I could afford to rent a studio apartment and feed
myself- but even that is unrealistic at the moment.
I felt like a failure because I worked so hard for 3 years to "make
it" with my music, banging my head into brick walls over and over again-
even sacrificing relationships and friendships which I still regret to this
day. I got to a point where I thought that I was unsuccessful because I was
not making money from my music. That lead to some pretty severe depression
which I tried to fix by self medicating myself. I was starving and I couldn't
afford heat which lead to health problems, and all I wanted to do was give
up. I went years where every single morning I would wake up and have to talk
myself out of killing myself...
And for this I apologize. I'm sorry I let myself get to this point of utter
despair. I'm sorry that I let money become the measurement of success- money
is meaningless. I'm sorry that I lost hope. I'm sorry for all the crazy,
stupid, or hurtful things I've said or done to anyone- please forgive me
if I have. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to realize that I was becoming
like the very people who's greed and hate affected my life. But I now realize
that my success is evident in all of YOU, the fans, in the love that you
give. "Hate is not conquered by hate: hate is conquered by love" and
I'm thankful that you all have helped me to see this.
Yes it's true that I'm dead broke. Yes it's true that after 3 years, my music
makes no money. Yes it's true that I decided to give up music for good. Yes
I was severely depressed. Yes, I developed a substance abuse problem. Yes
I thought myself into a suicidal hole that I couldn't get out of. Yes it's
true that some people/ record labels screwed me over really badly. Yes I
almost starved to death. Yes I've wrecked my body and my mind pretty badly.
Yes I nearly died. Yes I was hospitalized. Yes I spent time in the psych
ward. Yes, I've made a lot of mistakes. Yes there have been plenty of negative
people in my life/ career that may have contributed to my loss of faith in
humanity, but ultimately I have no one else to blame other than myself. I
did this to myself, and only I am responsible. I'm sorry that I let myself
get to this point, and I'm sorry that I let myself lose faith in humanity
and myself.
I understand if people think I'm "crazy" or whatever. I honestly
don't care what people think of me. I've hit rock bottom. I know I have problems
and I'll be the first one to admit it. I'm being totally honest and open
here- I'm messed up. But I want you all to know that I have changed my mind,
I've chosen to live, I'm working on restoring my health and stabilizing myself.
I've finally come to accept my situation and everything that has happened.
I've also decided that I actually want to continue making music again.
What changed my mind you might ask? YOU, the fans, friends, and family- you
who are the only thing getting me through this difficult time. It's the overwhelming
love and support from the fans that keep me going. I'm amazed at how loving
and generous you can be. I am so lucky and undeserving to have such loyal
fans. There are people out there that have never even met me but care for
me and treat me like family- it brings tears to my eyes. I'm sorry it's taken
me so long to realize this, but YOU have changed my mind and life for the
better and made me see that there's still beauty in the world. My fans, friends,
and family are the only reason that I'm alive right now, and because of this
I feel indebted to you.
I want you all to know that I am recovering and doing much better now thanks
to all of you. I have also decided to finish the 60+ incomplete songs that
I've been working on for the last 3 years. I've decided I'm going to finish
what I started because all of you have shown me that it's worth doing. I'm
going to finish this music for YOU, money or no money, because I owe it to
you.
And so I am retreating into my "studio" to record like a mad man
and I won't come out until I've finished what I started. With that said,
please know that I am going to be extremely busy- and if you write to me
and I don't respond for a while, it's not because I don't care or that I'm
ignoring you, it just means that I'm busy working on new music to fill your
ears with (I still have messages from 4 months ago that I'm trying to respond
to and I'll try and get back to every single one of you but it may take time).
So if you don't hear from me for a while, please don't be alarmed or saddened,
it just means I'm busy recording new music for you... and that's something
to be happy about!
Life is not worth living unless there is beauty and love within it- and
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes and showing
me the love and beauty which I was blind to for so long.
Love,
Brandon